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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002872">The Contest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Persiflage/pseuds/Persiflage'>Persiflage</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Wonko Shitpost Chronicles [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Holby City</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, F/F, Fluff, Inspired By Tumblr, Pre-Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:13:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002872</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Persiflage/pseuds/Persiflage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Pre-relationship crack: Bernie recalls Self and Valentine arguing about the surgery they were to perform on her, Serena draws her own conclusions.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Serena Campbell/Bernie Wolfe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Wonko Shitpost Chronicles [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1732987</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>69</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Contest</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonko/gifts">Wonko</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Inspired by this <a href="https://wonkots42.tumblr.com/post/177407146255/discussion-over">post</a> by Wonko on Tumblr. I saw it for the first time today and then the Muse ambushed me with this idea.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bernie Wolfe is enjoying sharing an office with Serena Campbell on AAU. The other woman is warm, friendly, vivacious, and has the wickedest sense of humour.</p><p>One lunchtime they’re sitting in their office, talking over sandwiches, pastries and coffees from Pulses, when Guy Self comes up in conversation.</p><p>“Did I tell you what happened when they brought me in for surgery?” Bernie asks.</p><p>Serena winces, which Bernie finds slightly odd – after all, Serena isn’t the one who was in danger of death or paralysis after being blown up by an IED – then asks, “Self did your surgery, didn’t he? Him and Valentine?”</p><p>Bernie nods, swallows a mouthful of coffee, then elaborates. “I could see right away that they were at odds with each other. Didn’t take me long to figure out it was because Self hated Valentine for dating his daughter.” She begins chewing on the final bit of her sandwich. </p><p>Serena snorts, and Bernie raises her eyebrows in lieu of speaking with her mouth full.</p><p>“Of course you worked it out quickly,” Serena says. “You’re very smart.” </p><p>Bernie ducks her head, blushing, and looks at her co-lead from under her fringe. “Thanks,” she says softly. She’s not particularly good at accepting compliments gracefully.</p><p>“So, Self and Valentine were arguing,” Serena prompts.</p><p>It’s Bernie’s turn to snort. “No, they were having a dick measuring contest – I don’t think that they realised I could hear them even through the closed doors of the bay. I had to throw a plastic cup at the doors to get their attention.” Serena chuckles at this admission and Bernie smirks. “When they came back in, I reminded them that this sort of surgery was my bread and butter and told them how to carry out the surgery.”</p><p>“And they listened?”</p><p>Bernie nods.</p><p>“So, you know what that means, don’t you?” Serena’s got this really wicked glint in her eye, Bernie notices.</p><p>“No, what?”</p><p>“It means that you’ve got the biggest dick.”</p><p>She says this with such utter conviction that Bernie just loses it completely, laughing so hard that she’s crying, and Serena starts laughing too.</p><p>Moments later Raf sticks his head through their doorway, looking from one to the other, and asks, “Care to share the joke?”</p><p>Bernie shakes her head, feeling a little regretful, and Serena wipes her eyes, then says, “Discretion forbids.”</p><p>Raf shakes his head, then says, “I’ll leave you to finish your lunch then, ladies.”</p><p>After he’s gone, Serena smirks at her, then says, “You should get that printed on a t-shirt.”</p><p>Bernie raises her eyebrows. “What, ‘I’ve got a bigger dick than Self and Valentine’?”</p><p>Serena chuckles. “Yeah.”</p><p>Bernie shakes her head. “You’re incorrigible, and I’m due in theatre in five minutes.”</p><p>She swallows the last of her coffee, then puts the pastry in her desk drawer for later. “See you later.”</p><p>Serena nods, and Bernie heads out to collect her team. </p><p>SC-BW-SC-BW-SC</p><p>A few days later, when Bernie’s busy doing the detested admin, Fletch knocks on the doorframe of the office, a package in his hand.</p><p>“This came for you, Major,” he says, and holds it out.</p><p>Bernie takes it, frowning. “Huh. I haven’t ordered anything.”</p><p>“Maybe you’ve got a secret admirer,” Fletch suggests, smirking.</p><p>Bernie rolls her eyes, shakes her head, then grabs the tear strip on the padded envelope.</p><p>“Something I can help you with, Nurse Fletcher?” Serena’s question at his back clearly surprises Fletch as he nearly lifts off the ground he startles so badly. </p><p>“Just bringing the Major a parcel,” Fletch says. “I’ll leave you to it.”</p><p>He hustles off, and Bernie can’t help chuckling at Serena’s look of satisfaction at his hasty retreat.</p><p>“Are you going to open that?” Serena asks as she comes in and takes a seat on her side of the desk.</p><p>“I was just about to when you frightened Nurse Fletcher out of his wits.”</p><p>Serena smirks, then leans back in her chair and watches, with a surprising amount of intensity, Bernie notices, as she tears open the envelope and reaches in to discover that it’s a neatly folded long sleeve t-shirt in the same heather grey as the one she’s currently wearing beneath her scrub top. She gives Serena a sharp look, but the other woman has a very bland expression on her face – not that Bernie’s fooled for one minute. </p><p>Sure enough, when she unfolds it, she discovers that it is printed with an image of her face, and below it the words “Major Berenice ‘Biggest Dick in Holby City Hospital’ Wolfe”. The picture of her face will, she is sure, sit over her breasts when she puts it on, and she thinks that might just be the weirdest part of this. She doesn’t say a word, not yet, just checks inside the envelope for a note, and is unsurprised when there isn’t one. </p><p>“I presume I have you to thank for this,” Bernie says eventually.</p><p>Serena’s smirking now. “Maybe,” she says, lifting an eyebrow.</p><p>Bernie shakes her head, then checks the size label. It doesn’t surprise her that the t-shirt is exactly her size – Serena Campbell, deputy CEO, is nothing if not thorough.</p><p>“Are you going to try it on?” Serena asks, and Bernie wonders whether she’s imagining the eagerness in the other woman’s tone.</p><p>“You’d better close the door, and the blinds,” Bernie says, and as Serena gets up to do so, she pulls off her scrub top. Once the door and blinds are closed, she pulls off her current t-shirt. It doesn’t occur to her to ask Serena to turn her back – she’s far too used to changing in front of colleagues to have any modesty issues – so she’s a bit surprised to hear a strange, strangled sort of noise from her co-lead when Serena turns back around and sees her in just her plain black sports bra as she reaches for the new t-shirt.</p><p>“Bernie.” Serena’s voice is low, and almost reverent, and it takes Bernie a moment to realise that she’s looking at the scar that was left after her heart surgery. </p><p>She’s a little startled when Serena reaches out and touches it, a feather-light brushing of her fingertips that traces down her sternum, right between her breasts.</p><p>“It terrifies me to think that we might never have met,” Serena murmurs, and Bernie, in a rare moment of tactility, reaches out to clasp her upper arms.</p><p>“It’s fine, Serena. I’m quite alright,” she says, her tone firm enough to catch the other woman’s attention.</p><p>“I know,” she says softly. “I know.”</p><p>“Good.” Bernie squeezes her once, then draws back and grabs the t-shirt, pulling it over her head, then tugging it down once she’s got her arms in the sleeves too.</p><p>She looks down at herself and sees that her surmise was correct – her face is now plastered over her breasts, and that’s pretty surreal.</p><p>She looks up and sees that Serena is grinning hugely now, having clearly recovered from her momentary wobble at the sight of Bernie’s scar. </p><p>“I need to take a photo of this,” Serena says eagerly, grabbing her phone. </p><p>“Please don’t,” Bernie says, half-heartedly, because she knows what Serena’s like.</p><p>“But I must. For the sake of posterity.”</p><p>Bernie snorts, barely resisting the urge to cross her arms over her chest.</p><p>“Well, c’mon then,” Serena says, and when Bernie can only give her a blank look, she adds, “Pose for me. Please?”</p><p>“Pose?” Bernie repeats. “How?”</p><p>“Arms up, fists clenched, shoulders back,” Serena says, and Bernie has to wonder just how much time Serena’s spent considering this, given her answer is so prompt.</p><p>Bernie sighs dramatically, shakes her head, then raises her arms, clenches her fists, and puts her shoulders back.</p><p>“Triumphant grin,” Serena tells her.</p><p>Bernie shakes her head again, but obeys, and Serena’s grin is almost feral as she takes a couple of photos, then moves to stand beside Bernie, and says, “Selfie time!”</p><p>Before Bernie can say a word, Serena’s snapped a picture, then she steps away, so Bernie pulls on her scrub top, then stows her discarded t-shirt in her bag.</p><p>“You’re incorrigible,” she tells the other woman.</p><p>“And you’re looking very good,” Serena says, holding out her phone for Bernie to get a look at how she appears in the shirt. She can’t help a chuckle escaping at the sight of herself.</p><p>“Drinks are on you, tonight,” Bernie tells her as Serena moves around her desk.</p><p>“Deal,” Serena says, looking smug, and Bernie shakes her head fondly at her friend, then turns her attention back to the waiting paperwork. She thinks she’ll enjoy walking around knowing what’s on her t-shirt when others have no idea that it’s there.</p><p>Serena opens the office door, then the blinds, before returning to her seat, and Bernie can’t help noticing the way her mouth curves up when she thinks Bernie’s not looking. Serena Campbell is the best thing to have come out of her switch to civilian life, and if, occasionally, her treacherous heart wants more, well, she’s quite used to suppressing her desires. She’s happy to have found a friend, particularly a smart and capable woman of her own age with a huge heart hidden beneath her often steely exterior. If she can’t have Serena for a lover, she’ll settle for having her as a friend, particularly a friend who is occasionally quite absurd in her gift giving. She smirks a little at the knowledge that Serena thinks she’s so much better than Guy Self and Oliver Valentine.</p><p>She gives herself a mental shake, then forces herself to turn her attention back to doing her dreaded paperwork.</p>
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